June 18

No Signs of Life
Recently, my family and I visited a model home. It was beautiful. Everything in it was placed perfectly. It goes without saying that the furniture was divine and the accessories were hand-picked. I loved it.  I made the comment that I would move in immediately and not change a thing. The manager made the remark in return that the reason I liked it was because there were “no signs of life.”

“No signs of life.” I can’t stop thinking about that phrase. It has really made an impression on me and I’m not certain what sort of impression it is.  Is that what my whole life is about? Do I want it filled with no signs of life? Just rooms all clean and full of pretty furniture, and perfect accessories all perfectly placed? A place I live in all alone and share with no one? A space even I make no impact on?

I’ve been feeling suffocated in my own home lately. Everywhere I look there is a pile of something that needs to be moved or given away or (dare I say it?) thrown away.

Why am I crying?

Am I crying because I have no friends to “hang around with” on a regular basis? Am I crying because my house is a disaster and I don’t want to do anything about it? Am I crying because I lost my job and I feel cheated and robbed and treated unfairly? I shouldn’t have been fired.  I feel as though I’ve been thrown away, lost the friends I made at work; lost all the respect people had for me and my position at work; lost my value; lost the work that was important to me; lost the children I knew and had a part in their lives. It’s all gone, lost. Why? Why? WHY?

It doesn’t matter why I am crying. I know that. What matters is what I do about it. What matters is who I run to. What matters is how I accept it.

One thing I do know. My expectations are WAY TOO HIGH.  Expectations for friends are too high…is that why the friends I choose will never be able to live up to them.

These thoughts, this depression, isn’t…All of my own making. These thoughts aren’t the thoughts that come from the way,  the truth and the life. Of course, there is truth in them, but it is bent, twisted, and meant to cause pain.

I reach for the truth. I search through the pages until I find it. I find what I am looking for. There are no truer words than the words of God or His promises to me.  This depression is not of my own making…But staying in it is of my own making.

I choose the circle of life.  I turn from the vicious circle of depression and death and choose the circle of life.

Psalm 102:6-12

6The Lord works righteousness
    and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
    his deeds to the people of Israel:
The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
    slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
    nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
    or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
    so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”